13 August 2010

Flipping life over.

Lately, when I sit down to write, I'm overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of change occurring in my life.  It's not just on my mat in class.  It's everything, everywhere.  Most of it is incredibly encouraging and exciting; some of it is really painful.  But, all of it is effortless.  Things are just moving - moving in such positive directions so gracefully.  Even the shit that I haven't wanted to deal with, that I've put off and put off and put off is getting all stirred up and cleaned up.

Some things, like food and other consumables, have been easy.  The intentions I lined out for myself were intimidating, but it's been surprising how easy it's been to follow.  Now, to be fair, many of those guidelines were already part of my daily life - veganism, raw foods, etc. - but, others have proven in the past to be incredibly difficult to wean away from.  This would be the category for alcohol, caffeine, and sugar, not to mention the lack of all the love, respect, tolerance, acceptance and moderation to which I've committed.  I love coffee.  I love wine.  I love beating myself up about things I either a) have no control over, or b) know are bad for me, but do them anyway. These are things I've become accustomed to, turning to them for comfort and pleasure.  But, to my complete surprise, since Day 1 of le yogic journey, these things have all fallen away, naturally.  Truly, utterly, effortlessly.  I feel amazing, which helps - sounder sleep, more energy, and less anxiety are just some of the high points.  Mostly, though, it's nice to tune back in to what I really want.  Instead of thinking about what sounds good at the moment - "Mmm, maybe a margarita with this blog-writing would be great!" - I've instead started listening to what I really want and need.  Turns out, I don't really need a stimulant or a depressant at all moments.  They're almost like garnishes that have taken over the main dish - I still hope to incorporate them, sparingly, at some point in my life, but they'd taken my focus away from the main idea.

Other things, though, have been more difficult.  The aforementioned shit, for instance.  The past two days have been agony thanks to an onslaught of student loan demons from every corner of my increasingly-regretted degree.  And, yet, all I can think is that, when a birth occurs there's got to be some pain.  There has to be a transition and things have to be cleaned up in order to emerge more beautiful than before.  Yesterday, after a lengthy stint of telephone-debate and minimum payments, I high-tailed it as quickly as I could to the first class available.  Now, if there's one aspect of yoga I would place in the dislike category, it's handstands.  I hate them.  Well, actually, I hate that I can't do them.  It's not really fair to blame them.  It's that I can't get all 6' of this body over it's own head to give my blood-flow a little rest.  And, sure enough, straight from one hell to another, I walked into a class of hour-long inversions.  By the end, I still couldn't do a handstand by myself without the wall.   But, I absolutely felt closer to achieving it.  I'm not there yet, but I will be. Which, makes me believe that my student loans will have to resolve themselves in some way, too.  I'm open and honest and ready to take them head on - which is more than I can say I've ever been willing to do.  And, I think with that preparedness, I just have to keep inching toward success.  I'm not there yet, but I will be.  None of it can be rushed, otherwise I'll just fall on my head, or kick someone else over.  I just have to remain open and undiscouraged.  (Unfortunately for handstands, they're now the symbol in my practice of student loans in my life.  I'll conquer both before it's all over.)

I like feeling empowered.  It makes these situations that arise feel necessary.  Without them, without anything to overcome, I'd just be the gushing idiot running around, irritatingly giddy.  I'm looking forward to that title someday, but for now, it's nice to feel these changes rooting into the most un-yogic things in my life and changing how I'm handling those, too.  As several conversations have noted lately, without the lows in life, how would we know the highs?  How would we appreciate being so blissfully happy if we hadn't experienced the tumultuous sadness?

Everything has two sides.  When we become aware of how to flip it over and see the other side, we can see the situation or the entity for what it is, it's revealed to us.  Until we learn how to flip over, though, it remains concealed.  So, I'll just keep trying to flip this body, these thoughts, these experiences over; continuing to reveal to myself what I've concealed from myself.


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