24 September 2010

Nice, miserable day.

I like cloudy, rainy days.  I like when it's gray when I awake and gray when I go to sleep.  I like to feel wrapped up in the heaviness that comes with the sky's lowered ceiling.  I like thunder and lightning and strong winds.  I like feeling somewhat trapped in whatever structure I'm inside while a storm rages outside. It's safe and cozy.  It also fits my natural predisposition to brooding.  Some would say I'm a little dark.  I'm ok with that - mostly, because it's true (but, also, because I think it adds to my intrigue).  When it's sunny, I have to acknowledge the vast, unending possibility of happiness.  The sky's limitless and aggravatingly bright, blue canvas taunts me into admitting to my own happiness and limitless potential.  Don't get me wrong: on sunny days when I'm already happy, it's a great combination.  But, on days when it's bright and my personal weather is cloudy, there's an irritated storm front that lingers over my emotions, confusing and making me wish, even more than usual, that it would just rain a little, for the love of god.  It's like a cheerleader has made her way into the drama club in my head; and, though I appreciate the goodwill, I really just want to strangle her.

Today is one of those days.

Trying to escape the gray and enjoy the sunshine generally either makes me cranky or makes me more depressed that I can't enjoy it.  It's a pitiful, unhelpful little cycle.  The one productive part of this futile fight with Mother Nature is that it brings to the forefront all the things that I don't want - not including more of this incessant sunshine, dammit.  I know what it is that I don't want and I convince myself that if those things were gone, maybe I could enjoy the sunshine. I begrudgingly admit, though, that I know that focusing on what you don't want isn't helpful; it only brings more of that into your life.  It's focusing, instead, on what I do want that should allow me to put away my galoshes and rain coat and step into the light.  (That, and probably not focusing so much on weather metaphors.)

So, I'm acquiescing to the sunshine - despite the grumbly gray clouds harumphing their way through my mood today - and making a list of what I do want.  A specific list of all the things that I'm ready for the universe to send my way.  (I refuse to admit that I'm smiling a little because of the last sentence.  You can't prove it.)


1) I want my student loans paid off by the end of the year.
2) I want to teach and live yoga and things related to yoga for my livelihood.
3) I want to have all the money I could need.
4) I want to be and feel healthy and not worry about sickness, disease, or other issues related to my body.
5) I want to travel, frequently, for pleasure.  (And, by the way, if I'm earning a living via yoga, and then travel for "work," that's technically "pleasure," too, since I am doing what I love. It's a twofer.)
6) I want to spend my vast amounts of free-time with my husband and my dogs.
7) I want to pursue artistic endeavors because they make me happy and because we have the means to make experimentation and exploration plausible.
8) I want to live in a city and dwelling that facilitate all these things and contribute to my happiness.

I already feel better.  And, it's looking a little overcast outside!  This day's really looking up.


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